The story of Sage Fey’s birth is a grand adventure, full of serendipitous twists and turns. Sage was long awaited. Her grandparents arrived in Loveland full of anticipation for her birth on November 11th and November 17th. She was due on November 19th, and sure enough Liz started feeling cramps and contractions at both 38 weeks and 39 weeks. Her birth team assured her that this “early work” her body was doing would lead to a faster birth, but not necessarily a sooner one. Average gestation for first time moms is 41+1, they told her. And sure enough, Sage’s due date, November 19th, came and went. And Thanksgiving came and went with no baby to be seen. On November 26th, Sage’s Aunt Rebecca was induced with Wyatt, who came earth-side on November 28th.
Every day, Liz would look at the calendar wondering: is tonight the night? And soon the days of November ran out completely. On November 29th, Liz and Adam went to Brown County to get a biophysical profile to make sure that all was still well with their little babe. What they were told is that there was low amniotic fluid. They asked what that meant for them, and Dr. Varnau responded that if they were her clients, she would recommend a hospital induction for as early as that Thursday night to avoid cord prolapse. Liz and Adam left Brown County in a bit of a haze. They both had a good cry. Adam said that he just couldn’t believe their journey was coming to an end but that it had been so rewarding and had felt so right. Both Liz and Adam knew they were not ready to go to the hospital, so they both started their leave that Friday and took the day to pack their things, having scheduled an induction for Saturday morning.
Liz struggled to sleep Friday night and woke with a headache. Grandma Margaret came over to rub Liz’s head, and they all sat in anticipation of the phone call from the doctors. But the phone call did not come. The hospital was so busy that Dr. Patridge requested they either wait to come in that night or the next morning. Adam was convinced that one biophysical profile was not enough data, so he requested the opportunity to go in to the hospital to check the fluid levels again, just to make sure they weren’t putting Sage in danger by waiting any longer. Dr. P said “that would be appropriate.” So they drove to the hospital that evening and had Dr. P take a look. Right away she saw more and deeper pockets of fluid. Liz and Adam asked her what that meant, and she responded “you’re still good candidates for a homebirth.” Liz had her pants on before they could discuss anything more, and she practically skipped out of the hospital. They got some Indian food to celebrate, and Liz was giddy with a “get out of jail free” feeling.
And so the waiting continued. Monday came, and it was time for another biophysical. On Sunday night, Liz struggled to sleep. She knew that Monday was 42 weeks, and all medical advice is that it is not safe to wait any longer, for you could put your baby in danger. She knew there were expectations all around her to have this baby. She knew that she was running out of time. And so she mentally prepared herself to be induced that day, knowing the option would be on the table.
Liz and Adam drove somberly to the hospital. Adam asked Liz what was wrong, and she tried to convince him she was fine and she was ready to surrender. He asked why she didn’t seem happy if today was the day she would meet her baby, and she said she was just nervous, but it was true -- she was deeply sad. At the hospital, Dr. P led with “what would you say if I offered you an induction today?” Liz replied, “I would say probably, sure.” Dr. P then halted everything and said there was no need to do a biophysical then; she would just go check the schedule to see if she could squeeze Liz in. When she left the room, Adam took one look at Liz and told her, “you don’t want to do this. We don’t have to do this today.” Together they called Pam, their midwife, who also said that the decision seemed rushed and like an “about face” from two days earlier. Liz knew Adam was right, and Pam’s willingness to wait further edified her desire to keep waiting, so she asked Dr. P what her drop-dead day was for induction. Dr. P said Friday, so Liz asked her to check the calendar for the whole week. Thursday, the hospital was booked up, so they agreed that Wednesday at 7am would be their induction date, period, so as to not wait until the last minute.
Liz and Adam left the hospital, calling their midwives to let them know the latest. That’s when Pam offered to Liz and Adam the opportunity to “try some things at home” on Tuesday. Liz and Adam said, sure, not knowing what that meant but figuring they had nothing to lose. After all, they had tried everything: walking, spicy food, acupuncture, pineapple, bouncing on a birth ball, the Miles Circuit, etc.
They soon learned what an at-home induction is. Meghan came to their house Tuesday morning at 9:30am with a bottle of Walgreens-brand castor oil. She mixed half of it in a bowl of Kroger-brand pink peppermint ice cream. She told Liz that this might ruin the paired flavor for her, so Liz felt pretty safe using the seasonal peppermint and staying far away from chocolate. Liz ate it without much trepidation at the kitchen island as Meghan and Adam looked on. “It tastes like pink paint,” she commented. And so they continued to converse and snack and enjoy themselves until Liz felt a rumble in her belly and experienced something new and disturbing when her insides emptied themselves in a hurry. Liz immediately knew she had gotten on a speeding train without an exit plan. She continued to feel nauseous and to make numerous trips to the bathroom when Meghan cheerfully said, “okay, it’s time for your next dose!” Liz was like… seriously?, wondering if one dose wasn’t enough. Adam looked on, worried, but let Liz make the call. And so Meghan turned the bottle upside down and squeezed it in her fist so that the rest came splooging out. Then she globbed big spoonfuls of ice cream in the bowl and gave it a quick stir. Liz wondered if she could truly choke this stuff down knowing things would only get worse for her. But she did. Because Liz was committed to having this baby.
Surprisingly, the second dose didn’t cause Liz’s organs to fall out into the toilet; rather she maintained frequent trips to the bathroom, such that blood became part of the equation, and new underwear was necessary three times. Adam went to the store to get soft toilet paper, and Liz broke into their stash of baby wipes. On the bright side, the nausea receded, and Liz moved on to the next phase of Meghan’s plan. She started using her breast pump for 15-minute sessions, combined with shots of cotton root bark. Around 5 or 6 pm, Meghan said she would be going home for dinner, but to call her should things pick up that night. And pick up they did. Liz and Adam watched a Jim Gaffigan comedy special, and as it got later, Adam decided to call Gillian, their doula. Gillian was over at the house by midnight, armed with maxi pads and witch hazel. It was up to Gillian to decide when Liz was in active labor and to call the midwives, and Liz got excited when she heard the midwives tromping up the stairs at 3:30am. Yes, she thought. Fast labor. Many people had told her that once she finally went into labor, it would probably be fast because she was already 80% effaced and 2 centimeters dilated.
And so the night passed. Snow was softly falling and covering the yard with a white sheen, which the midwives found magical. This night is faint in Liz’s memory, but she knows she was up all night, laboring. This is when the back pain started. During every contraction, Liz would feel a sharp pain in the back of her pelvis, and Gillian and Adam took turns massaging her. Gillian sat on the floor by Liz’s bed, massaging her back and then nodding off. At one point, Liz was in a wide legged squat, leaning up against pillows, with Gillian behind her massaging each time. Adam did his best to keep Liz hydrated and fed, but she sometimes responded to the food by running to the bathroom to vomit. Time passed. The sun came up.
Adam made coffee for everyone, and Eileen went to Panera to get the team some breakfast. Liz labored in the bedroom with Gillian, and Adam forgot about the coffee, eventually offering Gillian a lukewarm cup that she gratefully accepted. Gillian instructed Adam and Liz to go on a walk. Liz was thinking, what, are you serious? But she complied. Slowly, Adam and Liz walked around the block in the neighborhood across the street. Liz looked very silly in sweatpants and Adam’s old winter coat, but the fresh air honestly felt pretty nice, and they decided to walk the loop again.
The day is a bit of a blur for Liz. She remembers doing the Miles Circuit due to the baby being on the right and needing to come around to the left to get into the proper position. She dutifully laid with her chest to the bed, in an exaggerated side lie, and she did squats up and down the steps with vigor. She remembers the team filling the birth tub downstairs, which she eventually made her way to. She lit the candle that Claire bought her, a pineapple scent for energy. And she laid in the tub, feeling the contractions ease and finding some relaxation. Eileen shared her birth story, which led to her doula career, which involved a harrowing ambulance ride strapped to a gurney while her baby was crowning and a full episiotomy. The team gathered and sat around Liz in the living room, often making comments about Liz being “hard to read.” Liz began to discern that this labor was not quite going as the team expected and that those comments were meant partially as compliments but were also questions: is this going somewhere?
Liz remembers being curled up on the corner of the bed later. She found a soft spot in the pillows that was decently comfortable and could not imagine moving. Adam was in the room, curled up on the inch or two of space behind her, whispering the most magical affirmations and images into her ears. Liz remembers wondering when he learned to lead meditation. He talked about Pete, their dog, and about how much he believed in Liz. Liz was soothed and went deep within herself. Feeling exhausted and not sure that she could do much more that day, the team graciously suggested that she sleep as much as she could that night. So she and Adam eagerly crawled into bed, Adam spooning Liz.
They slept from 1am to 6am, woken often by painful contractions that would force Liz to sit straight up, Adam vigorously rubbing her back. Meghan tromped up the stairs every hour or so to monitor Liz and the baby. Sometimes Liz would sleep through Meghan’s visits, and other times she would sit up in a contraction and exclaim something moderately inappropriate, like Jesus! Liz often went from being cold to hot, and Adam would change the temperature for the house on his iPhone in response, causing the rest of the team to experience both heat stroke and freezing temps. Liz and Adam hadn’t thought to set out blankets and had stolen every pillow in the house, which Liz felt deep shame about in the morning when she noticed someone had been sleeping on the couch with a towel as a cover.
At 6am, Liz woke feeling more refreshed than ever… and more determined. This morning I will push this baby out, she thought. She took a warm shower, went downstairs and made herself a bagel, the first real thing she had eaten since labor started. Eileen, the assistant to the midwives with a long doula career, greeted her cheerfully. Liz worried about how much Eileen had been able to sleep, and Eileen said she slept wonderfully for four whole hours. Eileen and Liz sat at the kitchen island chatting. Adam made his way downstairs an hour or so later, and Liz let him know she’d like to go on a walk. Liz bounced on the orange peanut ball in the kitchen while the midwives gathered for breakfast and Adam made coffee. Eileen and Gillian had creative tricks up their sleeves to reverse-empty the birth pool into the shower. Then Adam started tidying, sweeping the kitchen floor. Liz very much agreed that the kitchen floor needed to be swept so she stayed patient but eventually urged Adam to go on a walk with her.
They decided to take Pete with them and to head to their favorite park. The path to the park involves a steep decline and incline, and Liz knew those would do the trick. Sure enough, by the time she had climbed the hill, her contractions picked up, and she had to stop multiple times to let them pass. She got on her hands and knees on the sidewalk and sat in a makeshift chair that Adam created with his lap. Pete was patient all the while, stopping and looking on. Honestly, Pete might be a doula in his next life, as he took to the team and the process like a natural, calm and patient throughout. As Liz labored on the sidewalk she wondered what passerbys must be thinking and found it curious that no one stopped to make sure she was okay.
They continued on, all the way to the park. Adam even threw the ball for Pete in the baseball field a few times before Liz requested they turn back. And back they went, slowly lumbering along. At nearly the same house, Liz dropped to her hands and knees again. Adam started texting, and Liz knew he was alerting the team. Please tell them to fill the birth pool, Liz requested. When they returned Liz labored in the kitchen as the pool filled, squatting around the island. The squats always hurt her knees, but she did them anyway, heels down as instructed. Then she moved to the bathroom, where she got on hands and knees laboring away. She repeated a new mantra, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, as the contractions picked up in intensity. When the tub was filled, she stripped to be completely naked, no longer caring about privacy in any way and got into the tub. She let Adam know that it would be fine to invite their moms to watch the pushing and birth of the baby.
And so she started pushing, instructed by the midwives on what to focus on. No longer was she to breathe through contractions; rather she should push all that energy down and out while holding her breath. The whole team gathered around her, pushing on her back and hips and rubbing her head. It’s go time! said Meghan. The midwives were cheerful, taking a few photos of all their hands on Liz. Brie had to leave abruptly because she got a call that another client of theirs was in very fast labor; in fact, Brie knew she would not make it in time. Lucky bitch, Liz said because nothing can take away Liz’s keen sense of humor.
Soon Kathy and Margaret arrived and sat on the couch. While she was happy to see their faces, Liz did feel a new awareness of being watched, which she tried to shake off. All along Liz had imagined how beautiful it would be to share these moments with her own moms, but the process had demanded privacy, intimacy, and safety to go within, free from others’ worries, expectations, and timelines. But that time was cut short when Pam arrived. Pam must have sensed something was off because she suggested Liz exit the pool and try laboring on the toilet, a much less romantic option.
At some point the midwives discerned that the baby still might not be in the proper position. They guided Liz up the stairs to the bedroom where they told her that the baby had moved back to the right side; the entire day before had been about getting the baby to move to the left to get into position. Liz felt momentarily discouraged, but Pam instructed Liz to do a series of uncomfortable positions, holding each for five contractions in order to move the baby. This part of labor was pretty excruciating for Liz. Movement had been Liz’s friend, and holding poses through the pain really stretched her; she yelled as if she were giving birth in the movies. At one point, Pam stood over Liz on the bed, tugging the rebozo around Liz’s belly in short, rapid motions, trying to shift the baby.
Meghan then asked to do a cervical check on Liz, finding that Liz was not fully dilated, but suggesting that she could hold the anterior lip back while Liz pushed, expressing that the baby might come right out. So they tried this a few times as Pam monitored the baby’s heart rate with the doppler. Each time Liz pushed, the baby’s heart rate dropped.
“Stop,” Pam said, explaining her observation. She then told Liz and Adam that there was likely a nuchal cord holding the baby in position; it could be wrapped once or multiple times around the baby. They could either keep on keeping on, letting the baby dictate the slow pace of the labor as she navigated the cord, or they could transfer to the hospital. “Do you want to talk about it?” asked Pam. Adam and Liz exchanged looks and quickly said, “no, let’s go.”
Liz waddled down the stairs and to the Subaru, parked in hospital transfer position behind their house, and Adam swiftly grabbed just about everything Liz would need. They then started the drive, Pam and Meghan in the car behind them. The drive was pretty brutal. Liz couldn’t sit, and she couldn’t stand, and she definitely couldn’t hold still. She crouched over the passenger seat, moaning in pain. Every bump, turn, acceleration, and deceleration caused stronger contractions. Adam drove swiftly and deftly for thirty minutes to the hospital. The red light they sat at outside of the hospital seemed really thoughtless and rude to Liz.
They pulled up to the hospital, and Liz demanded to get out of the car as soon as possible. She got out, and Pam told Adam he would get towed if he left the car there, so he proceeded to park while Pam walked Liz in. There was a man in severe gastrointestinal distress also parked just outside the hospital, and Liz remembers thinking that his situation really gave her perspective on her own, but she wasn’t sure which perspective that was.
She trudged into the hospital feeling a bit self conscious as she could barely walk, was basically moaning in pain, and had to stop several times to squat through contractions. A kind nurse who was friendly with Pam walked her to a labor and delivery room. There, nurses started asking her questions like, “when is the last time you took imitrex?” which annoyed Liz to the max, and she simply gestured at Adam to answer the questions. He protested and said that Liz had been asked those very same questions multiple times at their former biophysical appointments just days before, but the nurses insisted she needed to answer them again. But they must have realized how futile their effort was because Liz doesn’t remember them asking any more questions.
Liz labored uncomfortably on the bed, and soon enough the nurses presented Liz with nitrus oxide, which they said would not remove any pain, but it would make Liz a little high to take the edge off. Liz held the mask up to her face through a contraction, stating simply that it didn’t work. But, she continued to use it figuring her contractions must be even worse than what she was feeling, plus it helped her maintain a deep breathing pattern. Soon the birth ball was presented, at which point she started bouncing vigorously on the ball through every contraction. Gillian and Adam sat on the floor behind her forcefully rubbing her pelvis with their knuckles in circular patterns that matched the rhythm Liz set. Sometimes, Liz would switch it up and do huge hula hooping motions instead. She often flung her hands in the air to indicate harder, faster, clockwise, etc. She was like the conductor of a nightmare orchestra.
She doesn’t know how long this went on, but eventually Dr. Patridge came in to do a cervical check, at which point she found Liz was still not fully dilated. What would you recommend? Liz asked, fully expecting the epidural conversation to come up. Sure enough, Dr. P said an epidural might do the trick to relax Liz enough to dilate that last centimeter. At this point, Liz was not so attached to the idea of a natural birth and just wanted to make the smartest decisions for her and the baby. So she quickly agreed.
It was this point in the night when Liz first felt a bit defeated. Pam told Liz she would be heading home for dinner, and Meghan went home for the night. Gillian and Adam started setting up their respective beds. Soon the anesthesiologist rolled his cart in. He looked like one of those intellectual dudes who directs most of their brain power into experimenting with and defending psychedelic drugs. Sure enough, Adam later said that he overheard the guy talking about partying with a surgeon after a 24-hour shift at the hospital. The anesthesiologist and the nurse told Liz to round her back like a cat and to sit perfectly still through contractions. This made Liz feel small, but she complied and luckily her contractions subsided for a moment during the procedure. The needles hurt more than Liz expected, and they worked instantly. Soon the lower half of Liz’s body was numb and she sunk back in the bed with little to no sensation. It was like all that birth energy had just been sucked out of her body. While it was a physical relief, it was also a transition from actor to being acted upon. The nurses came in frequently to check her blood pressure and to lift her like a sack of potatoes in order to change her position in the bed. They also “straight cathed” her, meaning they drained her urine four times by sticking a tube up her urethra. While it wasn’t very painful, she really hated how helpless this made her feel.
Liz knew she should sleep that night, but she couldn’t. There were several positions the nurses had her in that would cause the baby’s heart rate to drop, and they’d come in to try something else. Additionally, they wanted to give her pitocin to keep her contractions up, and the smallest amount (1mL) would cause the baby’s heart rate to stop. Most women receive up to 30mL. They tried the pitocin three separate times, and every time it produced the same result. At one point the OR nurses came in with the regular nurse, looking a bit panicky and waiting to see if the nurse could recover the baby’s heart rate by turning off the pitocin or changing Liz’s position.
Liz knew in her gut this was going nowhere good, and she was powerless now. She had submitted to the medical system, and now she was stuck waiting to see if she and her baby could withstand the series of interventions. She primarily thought about two things as she watched the clock that night: what would pushing be like? Would it hurt? Would she have the energy and stamina? And also, at what point are they going to tell me I need an emergency C section? She worried for herself, and she worried for the baby, alone.
4:30 in the morning came. Dr. P came in to check Liz and announced that Liz was 10cm. At this point, it felt like too little too late, but Dr. P is a good woman, and she told Liz that it was time to push! Liz knew this was mostly to appease her because her contractions were far apart and weak. In fact, Dr. P straight up told Liz she was having “crappy contractions” and that without pitocin, she could be pushing as long as four hours. Okay, Liz thought, I’m going to be pushing four hours. She had a new goal, a new timeframe, to focus on. Dr. P had an intrauterine monitor inserted into Liz’s uterus to get a more accurate idea of when the contractions came. Liz also knew she was completely depleted. At this point she was exhausted from lack of sleep over the last three nights, and she felt the pangs of hunger in her belly. The last thing she ate was that bagel the morning before. (If you have an epidural, the only thing you can ingest is ice chips.)
Wake up, Adam, Liz said. We’re pushing. And so Adam woke disheveled from sleeping on the hospital floor and quickly mustered an enthusiastic attitude. Great! And so the morning rolled on. Gillian, the nurse, and Adam would wait for a contraction to present itself on the monitor (Liz couldn’t feel them), and then they would hold Liz’s legs and head up as she pushed three times for a count of ten each. Every time, Gillian would say something like, amazing! Incredible! And every time Liz would think “yeah right.” Even if her pushes were strong -- and she wasn’t confident they were -- she knew she’d be there an eternity due to her slow, weak contractions. For the first hour or so, Liz eagerly asked for coaching from Gillian. How should it feel? Would it be better if I held onto the handles? How can I make these pushes more effective? She was determined to not waste an ounce of effort. She tried visualizing many different things: like golden light shooting out from her body and a water hydrant spewing water that pushed out a baby.
But still, Liz grew tired. She felt frustrated with herself each time she pushed because her third and final push was always the weakest. The hunger rumbled in her belly. As she pushed, the nurse and Gillian counted each time and helped her focus on the pushing. Adam also whispered encouragement in her ear, which she honestly found distracting, but she chose not to say anything because she didn’t feel this pushing session would make that much of a difference in the long-run, and she appreciated Adam’s thoughtfulness. Finally she commented that she needed Adam to just focus on the pressure on her shoulders as he lifted her from the bed; she needed to go within.
Adam and Gillian began telling stories in between contractions. Liz listened to how Gillian and her husband met, and Adam started telling the story of how he asked Liz to homecoming, how they then broke up in college and how painful it was to share a wall of their duplex. Liz had never heard Adam talk about that time and was touched by how vulnerable and honest birth had made them all. Adam and Gillian played pump up music for Liz. Liz wanted to request the song “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons, but she couldn’t think of the title or the band, so instead she tried to describe the music video, saying something like “the video has those crazy characters that bend their bodies a lot.” Somehow she eventually remembered the name of the song. They also listened to “My Body” by Young the Giant, Adam’s PCT pump up song, and they watched Liz’s favorite dance video to “WTF” by Missy Elliot. They watched “Downtown” by Macklemore, and Liz sang along, laughing at the ridiculousness of the video. While she had a sense of defeat in the pushing, she also felt a sense of camaraderie and happiness with Adam and Gillian.
Things changed when Meghan returned with breakfast tacos. Meghan is young, 25 by Liz’s calculations, and this had given Liz pause during her prenatal care. She liked Meghan, but she was hesitant to put her full trust in her. All of this changed that morning. Meghan had definitely been the most present with Liz through the prenatal process, at-home induction, and birth, despite the fact that Liz usually scheduled her appointments with Pam whose direct, science-based approach really appealed to Liz. And on this particular morning, Meghan demonstrated that this was not just due to coincidence, her availability, or having the most energy as the youngest member of the team without her own children to care for. This morning, Meghan showed Liz that her commitment to birth was based in a soul-deep belief in the process and the ability of women. She didn’t come just to appease Liz or to stand by when Liz was eventually wheeled into the OR. She came to see this through.
She put on gloves and without asking anyone’s permission, held Liz open and put pressure in the spots that Liz needed to focus on when pushing. Liz was able to sponge some of the belief and determination off Meghan, and her pushes grew stronger. Adam whispered to Liz a step-by-step description of taking Pete on a walk, complete with every bush he liked to pee on, and Liz was able to fully experience every part of the walk, as if she was there. Adam was trying to take her back to that walk they had the day before that increased her labor, helping to release her oxytocin and increase her contractions. Dr. P stopped in to let Liz know that six hours was about the max any first time mom could push, and six hours was fast approaching. Dr. P told Liz that her next options would be forceps, vacuum, or C section. She said that vacuum was more dangerous than forceps and that if she tried forceps, she would need to do that in the OR, as an emergency C section could be the result of a failed forceps attempt.
Even the mention of a C section was upsetting to Liz. “I don’t want a C section,” Liz said. “And I don’t want to go to the OR.” She looked at Adam for support and confirmation. “Can we keep pushing?” Adam asked, looking for options. “Sure, knock yourself out,” Dr. P probably didn’t say, but this is what Liz remembers. When Dr. P left the room, Liz and her team were more determined than ever. Her next push was apparently impressive, and so the next time Dr. P entered the room, Adam asked her to observe Liz pushing to see if it had any bearing on their options. Dr. P watched, and afterwards said, “Wow, I believe you can have a vaginal birth.” She offered the option of forceps in the room with the caveat that forceps could provide maybe 20 percent assistance, but 80 percent needed to come from Liz. Liz was elated and took the option immediately. Liz knew she was running out of energy and so the sooner they could take this next step, the better.
Quickly a team was assembled. As Liz waited, she told Adam, “please do anything you can to wake me up. I’m so hungry.” Gillian snuck a popsicle into a paper cup, mimicking ice chips, and Adam and Gillian fed Liz sugary bits. Adam also put a cool washcloth on Liz’s face and eyes, waved oils under her nose, and played her pump up music. Playfully, he gently slapped her face. “Oh, please slap me again,” Liz said, as this seemed to be the most effective method. Liz felt equally determined and frustrated as she couldn’t shake the daze and felt herself fading away.
At first Dr. P was given the wrong forceps, so they waited for the right ones to be delivered. Adam observed that Liz’s contractions completely stopped as she waited for everything to be right. As soon as the forceps were delivered, the monitor showed a contraction. Liz had instructed everyone on the team with the exact position and pressure they should apply to her legs and head, and so they did, and Liz started pushing with all her might.
She went inside of herself and pushed as hard as she could six times in a row. In her head she said “okay Sage, let’s go,” and visualized baby Sage shooting out from her. (If it had not been Sage, she would have felt pretty bad.) The whole time she pushed, she heard Dr. P’s running commentary and jokes. Quickly she heard Dr. P say, “okay, which shoulder should we get out?” And in no time, a squirmy baby was dropped on Liz’s chest.
Then, all hell broke loose. Every time Liz opened her eyes to try to glance the baby, she saw Dr. P pulling long bloody thread as she sewed Liz up. Liz could see emotion in her team’s eyes to her left, but Liz felt glassy-eyed, as though she knew somewhere deep down that her baby would come, and while this moment was long awaited, it was also inevitable. Almost immediately, she heard Dr. P ask Adam if he wanted to cut the cord. Like the great homebirther he is, he asked if it wasn’t too soon, but Dr. P replied that it had “stopped pulsing.” After a few minutes, someone asked Liz if she wanted to know whether the baby was a boy or a girl. Adam and Liz had asked the team not to announce the gender, as they had bonded with their sweet baby as a baby, not because they were a boy or a girl. The team had said this was the first time anyone had made that request, and they seemed to find it curious and happily complied. “Sure,” Liz said, although she honestly hadn’t even wondered that yet. “It’s a girl,” Adam said sweetly. Liz already knew that in her heart, and the confirmation made her smile. “Does she have a name?” she heard someone ask. “I think so,” said Liz, looking to Adam for confirmation. He nodded a bit hesitantly. Liz gestured to him to express her name aloud, but he passed the privilege right back. “Sage Fey,” said Liz.
She heard Dr. P say that Liz was close to hemorrhaging, and the team rushed to put pitocin in the IV to contract Liz’s uterus and stop the bleeding. So much was happening at once, and Liz became aware that her right hand felt swollen and immovable. She considered staying quiet but something inside her prompted her to say, “Adam my right arm doesn’t feel right.” She felt someone pull back the sheet, and Adam responded “fuck!” and turned away from the bed. Liz avoided looking, but apparently the IV had been shaken loose and the fluid and pitocin was just filling her hand and arm. Adam said they were purple and about three times the size. Someone pulled the IV out and someone else jammed a pitocin shot directly into her leg. An IV was inserted quickly into her other hand.
At this point Liz began to gently cry. She didn’t need to cry, but she allowed herself to indulge her pitifulness for a moment. Gillian recalls Liz saying, “what even is happening to me?” It seemed like the medical response was continuing much longer than Liz ever would have expected. She heard Dr. P say that Liz had two lacerations and the one on the left was more serious. Eventually, the commotion receded.
All that was left was Gillian, Meghan, Adam, Liz, and baby Sage. Gillian, Meghan, and Adam were all taken by emotion and crying gently. Liz wanted to be able to cry, but she couldn’t. There wasn’t much to be said; they all knew what was on each other’s hearts. Meghan told Liz that even though she did not have the homebirth she wanted, this birth would always be one of her favorites. She left, and Liz assured her that while she didn’t have the words in this moment, she would express her gratitude later. Gillian tried to help Liz learn to breastfeed, although they were all exhausted at that point.
Dr. P returned, offering Liz and Adam a choice of knitted hats that she made for all the babies. Liz could tell Dr. P was proud of her. Liz felt that Dr. P saw her and felt a bond that had formed over the past week of Liz being stubborn and Dr. P seeing that stubbornness pay off. “I’ve never seen a woman push a baby out without contractions,” Dr. P said, which felt like the perfect summary to Liz.
Soon Gillian left, and Adam went to tell the grandparents the baby had arrived. They came in with great excitement. “Our bodies just aren’t made to have babies,” Liz’s mom said to her, meaning to be consoling. But Liz’s truth was the exact opposite: her body had grounded her to be present in each moment of the slow, long labor. She never got caught up in how much time had passed, how slow her dilation was, or the changes to her homebirth vision. She took the recommendations of her team seriously and gave it her all in each moment. The epidural and forceps did not indicate failure; they were just part of the story.
Later that night when everything settled down, Liz and Adam looked at each other from across their respective hospital beds, Adam with tears in his eyes. “You know what?” Liz said. “I would do it all again.” She smiled facetiously and laid back to rest.
Later, Meghan came to the house to check in with the Susongs. “Look, a hawk,” Meghan said, pointing out the bedroom window. Sure enough a hawk was sitting on top of the power line pole, just outside the window. Adam smiled, “Hawks have been following us,” he said. Liz and Adam had seen numerous hawks sitting on their fence, on the side of the highway, and in trees for the past few weeks as they awaited Sage. Liz asked Meghan, “so, what happened?” Meghan confirmed a tight cord around the baby's neck, which demanded a slow labor. She said 90 percent of the speed was directed by Sage, who needed to move slowly and carefully within the restraint of the cord. Additionally, Sage had at least one, if not both, hands by her face, further complicating her ability to get in position. “The other 10 percent was due to you working through something spiritually,” she said mysteriously. “Maybe some generational stuff around birth.” She explained that Brie was doing craniosacral work on Liz when she was pushing the second time in the tub and that the whole team sensed some intense energy coming off of Liz. Liz didn’t know exactly what she was working through, but she agreed that her pregnancy and birth choices were a true challenge in sticking to her own intuition despite the energies and expectations of her community. Liz knew she was a social being, someone who deeply valued community. But her own emotional codependency and difficulty with boundaries had been made very clear to her in the past month. “Well whatever it was,” Meghan said, “you are not the same person that you were a week ago.”
Liz later learned that Brie had observed to Adam that Liz’s labor picked up significantly when it was just Liz and Adam, and that it would drop off as others entered the space. Adam was truly Liz’s champion throughout the entire process. She knew how deep Adam had to dig those past days. He had been her biggest cheerleader as they waited for the baby, emotionally grounded and calm leading up to the birth. He was the one who insisted they get a second biophysical profile to see if they actually needed an induction, and he was the one who reflected back to Liz that she wasn’t ready to give up the fight that Monday that Dr. P offered an induction on the spot. And he insisted that Dr. P observe Liz pushing that last time in order to avoid moving to the OR. Throughout the entire labor, he stood by, calming Liz with his words and presence. Adam had always been Liz’s grounding force, but he transformed into a fresh, beautiful, highly attuned version of himself during the birth. Liz had never been more in love with Adam than now. They both rose to the occasion in a transformative way.
While Liz and Adam’s story did little to convince anyone else in their lives that homebirth and midwifery care are truly life-affirming experiences, Adam and Liz remain more sure of that fact than ever before. They know that a hospital induction would have resulted in Sage having a poor response to the pitocin and a probable C section as a result. On Tuesday, Liz had asked Meghan why castor oil was a better way to go, considering all the downsides, than pitocin, which seemed more straight-forward. Meghan responded nonchalantly, “it’s better because it’s your body directing the labor.” Now, Liz understands exactly just how valuable it is to have your own body and baby directing labor. Midwifery care allows space for the wisdom of the body, the intuition of the mother, and empowering choices that a hospital just...doesn’t.
Liz doesn’t really have the words to describe the connection she feels to her birth team. It’s not like they spent four days together sharing stories and getting to know each other. Rather, their connection is physical, and spiritual. All Liz knows is that her midwives and doulas are magic women, and her family will always feel something other-worldly about the way Sage came earthside through them.